Wednesday, September 23, 2015


Just as one shouldn't choose the hairdresser with the best coiffure to do your hair, one shouldn't get a mammogram from a technician who claims that as a subject she's never been negatively affected by the (mercifully short) procedure.

I had my first mammogram today, per protocol for women over 40. All the way to the scan I was mentally reviewing reports of those who compared (without any means of testing this assertion) the sensation to a man's having his nuts pinched in a vise, and I dismissed those ladies as wimps, the sort who holler when their legs are waxed and shriek at the sight of mice. Then, I got to the center, where women of all ages from 40 on were pulsing through as on an assembly line, and at my turn this well-upholstered technician led me back to the scanning room and mashed my tiny breasts, one after the other, between a metal plate and a hydraulic-powered piece of lucite. If she'd had testicles, I would cheerfully have kicked them. Maybe more than once.

Perhaps if a woman is more chesty than I am, her boobs just flatten out, like amoebas, and if she's got little in the way of muscle across her ribcage, there's no need to yank things about. But I do try to stay in shape, blast it. And I don't have udders like a Holstein. I am going to find out who did the technician's scan, and see if that person won't do mine next year--at any rate, to me it's better to have someone tell me something's going to hurt but will be over quickly than to inflict pain on you in the calm assurance that, given the impossibility of their scanning themselves, they are safe from their own heavy-footed (yes, the hydraulic lucite plate was foot-powered, like a dentist's drill!) ministrations.

Oh, and the even lovelier bit about this scan? The results won't be available for a fortnight, and given that this was my first, they may need a second mammogram to establish a normal baseline. Crap. I swear, if I am ever so unfortunate as to require a mastectomy, I'm having the little suckers cut off and not reconstructed. Much less bother.

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